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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
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Hey, hey! Officer Smegski.
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How's it going, non bud?
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I'm busy, don't disturb me.
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Last time you disturbed me,
I was doing the safety check.
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And, I failed to notice
that the diesel decks were flooded.
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All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire."
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And it distracted me. I had to break off
from what I was doing and put you out.
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I was just cooking, is that a crime?
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As far as I'm concerned,
you're not allowed to cook.
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You always get distracted
by your reflection in the spatula
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Man, that is such a cliché.
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I can look at myself in a mirror
without getting distracted.
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Hey!
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Cat.
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Cat.
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- Cat!
- Wh... Wha... What?
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(STUTTERING) Where am I?
What's happening?
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You'll never guess what me
and Kryten have found.
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We've been going through Human Resources
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and found Captain Hollister's
crew appraisal files.
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You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.
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Why do you think we're reading them?
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This is mine. Check this.
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David Lister, although clearly
quite bright, is lazy, slovenly,
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rebellious, unreliable,
rude and disorganized.
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You hear that?
He thought I was quite bright.
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How cool is that?
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- Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.
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He'll only read the good parts.
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Lister, hand it over.
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Okay. This is you.
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"Arnold J Rimmer comes
from an outstanding military family,
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"his three brothers
all hold positions of command
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"and are hugely respected members
of the Space Corp.
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"Arnold, however has not succeeded
to the same blah blah blah,
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largely due to his blah blah blah blah blah,
consequently and rather tragically,
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"he's found he has never attained
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"any of the blah blah blahs
he's set himself.
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"In summary, he will never get
blah blah blah in life
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"while he continues to blame everyone
for his own failings."
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Blame people? I don't blame people.
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And even if I do, I got that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.
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It's not my fault
I never made anything of myself.
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What chance did I stand
stuck with you lot?
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How's it our fault?
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You're supposed to surround yourself
with people who are brighter
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and more successful than you.
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You have.
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Quite bright.
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
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I'm trying to get Mr. Lister
to adopt a healthier lifestyle.
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Fruit? You've got more chance
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of getting a vampire
to eat garlic bread.
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Goodness, have you seen this
on the mid-range scan?
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It's quite terrifying!
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I've told Lister a hundred times
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not to use my passport photo
as the screen saver.
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Front on has never been my best side.
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And why he wants to Blu-Tack
a piece of doner kebab meat
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to the screen, to make me look like
Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.
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Just clean it off.
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No, sir, you don't understand,
the scanner's picked something up.
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What is that?
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It appears that some kind of anomaly
has penetrated our universe.
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I hate people who use the word anomaly,
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they think they're so cool.
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"Oh, look, here's an anomaly,
anomalling away.
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"I'm really cosmologically 'on trend'
because I know what anomaly means."
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It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.
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Sir, something weird
has penetrated our universe
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which appears to have caused
a giant lesion
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across the space-time continuum.
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Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir?
Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'?
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Lesion, cuts,
they're both the same to me,
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it's the people
who say continuum I can't stand.
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Whatever it is, sir,
it's heading our way.
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- Could we out-run it?
- (SCOFFS) Sir,
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Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy
with a backpack of uranium
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who's just scuffed a family fun bucket.
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(RUMBLING)
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What the hell was that?
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Some crazy quake thing.
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You think it's serious?
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Listen. Unless the chick
with the really calm voice
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starts talking it ain't serious.
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CALM VOICE LADY:
Please remain calm.
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There is no need for alarm.
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It's serious. Start panicking!
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CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew
please return to their quarters,
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so we can begin a body count
of the survivors.
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We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.
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We're going up to the science room,
find out what the hell's happening!
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Damn right.
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- What just happened?
- I don't know.
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We were in the corridor
heading to the science room.
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Let's think about this.
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- Make us a coffee, would you?
- Hey, I'm a cat,
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I ain't making you coffee.
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Milk and two sugars, right?
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Cheers, man.
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I just made that?
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When did I just make that?
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Why did I just make that?
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What the hell's going on?
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I don't know, but I like it.
Got any biscuits?
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I ain't getting you no biscuits.
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Biscuits?
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Weird.
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What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay?
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Running a damage report now, sir.
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(BEEPING)
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And?
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(FASTER BEEPING)
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And?
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(FASTER BEEPING)
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As Louis the XVI might have said,
had he been in the exact same situation:
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- 'Et?'
- According to the computer,
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I haven't requested a damage report.
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- But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.
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Right, new plan, let's not request
a damage report, instead...
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(COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.
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Was there some sort of time lag?
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(GRINDING CONTINUES)
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We shouldn't tell the others
until we get to the bottom of this.
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Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat
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please make their way
to the science room.
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How did I get here?
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I didn't see you move.
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I wonder.
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Permission to try an anomalous,
I mean weird, experiment, sir.
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- How weird?
- just moderately weird, sir,
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say a 1989 Michael Jackson.
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Now, here's what I want you to do.
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Make a decision
and if my theory is correct,
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when you've made the decision,
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the choice you don't make
will be the result.
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The choice I don't make?
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I have it.
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What would you like me
to throw you, sir?
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This apple or this orange?
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The apple.
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What? That's not possible.
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You threw me an apple.
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Well, according to the Many Worlds
interpretation of reality,
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every choice not taken results
in the formation of a new universe
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that creates a new timeline
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and plays out the choice not taken.
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But now, due to the lesion,
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we are getting the results
of the choices we haven't made
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feeding back to us.
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That's more than
moderately weird, Kryten.
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That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
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So what do you think is happening?
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I think I know,
but I need to test me theory.
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So, test it!
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Okay, you ready?
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Ready.
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OK then.
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Make my breakfast.
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I ain't making you breakfast.
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(HUMMING)
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More bacon, bud?
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I've already had breakfast.
I'm not going to eat this.
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(INAUDIBLE)
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I'm going to eat this.
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I don't get it.
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Whatever choice you make,
the choice you don't make happens.
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We should go tell Kryten
and helicopter landing pad head.
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Good idea, but first tidy my bunk.
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I ain't tidying your bunk!
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Oh! I get it now.
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Oh, do you?
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- Yeah.
- Well. Polish my boots.
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(HESITATINGLY) I ain't, not going
to not polish your boots.
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Damn it!
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You miscounted your ain't and nots.
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So what's the plan?
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Well, I say, let's not walk down
the corridor
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and not get the lift
to the Science Room.
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- And not find the others?
- Exactly.
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My kind of mission, let's do nothing.
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(BUZZES)
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You had a choice to make
between the lift and the stairs.
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I didn't think and just chose the lift.
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So here we are, on the stairs.
189
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Two hundred and twenty nine floors
above G deck.
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So what are we gonna do now?
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We just got to decide
not to use the lift
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and continue walking down the stairs.
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I think we're getting the hang
of this now. Whoo! (HOOTS)
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No!
(BUZZES)
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It was instinct!
196
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Look, if you want to call a lift,
you've got to decide not to call a lift,
197
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and then, a lift will be called.
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Hey, I'm not a moron.
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Which in this reality,
makes you a moron.
200
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It's just a question
of remembering to do the opposite.
201
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So here's the plan,
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we're gonna continue
to walk down the stairs,
203
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,644
we're going to continue not to go
to the science room
204
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,968
where we won't speak
to Kryten and Rimmer
205
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,323
and we definitely won't find out
what the smegging hell is going on.
206
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,001
(BEEPS)
207
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,408
Have you figured out
what's hell's happening yet?
208
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:23,561
I believe I have sir.
209
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,928
May I suggest, we don't stay here
and we don't discuss
210
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- the peculiar events taking place.
- Definitely not.
211
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,485
I don't agree with any of that.
212
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:32,841
Are You guys nuts?
213
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,401
We gotta stay here and figure out
what the hell's happening.
214
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:36,481
ALL: No!
215
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,009
You are so not a moron.
216
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,400
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
217
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,203
As we all know, every single decision
every person rejects,
218
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:52,850
creates a new universe.
219
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,571
Which leads us to believe
there is a universe somewhere
220
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,684
where every possible thing
that could happen, happens.
221
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,131
So somewhere, there's a universe
where you get to the point?
222
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,046
And, a universe
where double denim with crocs is cool?
223
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:12,280
There'll probably even be a universe
where I return to my old ship
224
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,885
and apply for a new post.
225
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,769
I can just picture their faces,
226
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,769
"Oh, but you're just a bog bot,
227
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,809
"fit only for cleaning toilets."
228
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,369
And I say, "just toilets?
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
229
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,601
"Is that what you think?
230
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,331
"So, how come I can do this?"
231
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,841
And I take them all down
to their Science Deck
232
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,445
and I mop that floor.
233
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:34,921
It makes you think though,
234
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,328
all those decisions
you've made in your life,
235
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,369
somewhere, a different version of you
236
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,250
is living out the opposite
of all your decisions.
237
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,371
What a life he must be having,
that lucky bastard.
238
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:50,129
All the women who said "no" to me
in this universe, said "yes" to him.
239
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,130
Hmmm. All two of them.
240
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,281
So, what's caused this lesion?
Have we any ideas?
241
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,888
Well, I believe it may be a result
of an experiment I've been testing.
242
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:02,441
ALL: You?
243
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,206
I've been trying to create
a portable device
244
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,921
that allows the user to quantum skip
to other universes.
245
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:11,601
So, what's gone wrong?
246
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:12,961
It appears it's worked,
247
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,931
but I may have
slightly miscalculated the settings
248
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,446
and ripped a hole in space time.
249
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,321
So wait a minute,
250
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,882
you built a Quantum Skipper
on board Red Dwarf? How?
251
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,124
Well, not so much built as repaired,
252
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:31,008
it was among the tech we salvaged
from the Quantum research station
253
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:32,366
we visited last month.
254
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,126
So, hang on. Are you saying
if we tweak the settings,
255
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,886
we can fix the lesion
and Quantum skip between universes?
256
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,088
- Indeed.
- Why would we want to do that?
257
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,210
What's so great about here?
258
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,601
It's got me.
259
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,171
I can't leave, I'm the last human being
in this universe,
260
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,571
I've got responsibilities.
261
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:51,961
What about you Kryten?
262
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,482
I need to stay here
and look after Mr. Lister.
263
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,806
Without me, he'd fall apart
quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.
264
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,166
Oh, Kryten give over.
265
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,651
Uh, sir, that power line's live,
it's best not to suck it.
266
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,041
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(SHOCKS)
267
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:10,801
Cheers, Krytes.
268
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,486
Kryten, when will this Quantum skipper
be up and running?
269
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,367
Well, I hope to have the lesion closed
and the skipper fully functioning
270
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:18,441
in a few hours, sir.
271
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,447
- So, you're going then?
- Of course, I am.
272
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,526
It's a chance for a new life,
a fresh start.
273
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,803
New people. Better people.
274
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,041
He should do this.
275
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,408
Who knows, maybe
there's another universe out there
276
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,209
where he isn't such a giant loser.
277
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,047
Even with an infinite number
of universes,
278
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,406
that's going to take some finding.
279
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,728
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
280
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,488
I'm recalibrating the settings now.
281
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,369
(BEEPING) So, have I got a menu
to choose from?
282
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,881
Oh, not as such sir,
283
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,321
but all the dimensions
284
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,880
should, in some way,
be closely connected to our own
285
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,642
and skipping between realities should be
relatively straight forward,
286
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,531
although the Quantum skipper
287
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,524
does require recharge time
between skips.
288
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,048
So, what do I do
to quantum skip out of here?
289
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,288
Why so long? Come on, tell him!
290
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,643
You simply press this button here, sir
291
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,686
and you will be transported
to a random universe
292
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:14,921
within the multiverse.
293
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,931
Now, is there anything you want to say
before you go?
294
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:22,041
Well, as you know, I'm not one
for long farewell speeches,
295
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,770
but, I have written this.
296
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:29,801
See ya!
297
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,321
(BEEPS)
298
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,681
(EXHALES)
299
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,606
This is just Red Dwarf.
300
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,282
I thought I was going to quantum skip
somewhere good.
301
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:50,807
Morning, Arnold.
302
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,361
Morning, Holly.
303
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,406
Holly? When is this? Where am I?
304
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,002
It's Monday and you're in a corridor.
305
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,691
Anything else I can help you with?
306
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,080
Are you still senile?
307
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,846
I've never been senile.
308
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,649
I was a dancing cabbage for a while
309
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,241
but I'm over that now.
310
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,568
Turned out it was some corrupted files.
311
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,883
So you're sane again?
Have you been tested?
312
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,128
I 'm a computer that runs the ship.
313
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,570
I 'm tested every month.
Of course, I've been tested.
314
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,046
I'm always being tested.
315
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,403
Can you prove that?
Have you got a certificate?
316
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,244
Well, no, I failed the tests.
317
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,083
I forgot to turn the paper over.
318
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,843
I didn't realize there were two sides.
319
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,888
- Bradley?
- Get back to work, Rimmer.
320
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,366
The crew are alive?
321
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,002
- Yes, Arnold.
- The original crew?
322
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,481
Yes, Arnold.
323
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,041
Captain Hollister?
324
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,921
Nobody's dead, Arnold.
325
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,081
Todhunter?
326
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,925
Nobody's dead, Arnold.
327
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,087
Not even Petersen?
328
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,251
- Nobody.
- Nobody's dead? Not even Lister?
329
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,281
Gordon Bennett,
330
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,882
Lister, Petersen, nobody.
331
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,370
Nobody is dead. Nobody is dead, Arnold.
332
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,283
So hang on, you're telling me
nobody's dead?
333
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:36,770
I wish I'd never bought this up now.
334
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,088
How is this any better
than where I came from?
335
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,249
Where's Lister?
Where is that little goit?
336
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,766
He's in stasis.
337
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,924
He smuggled an unquarantined animal
338
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,765
on board, so got thrown
into suspended animation.
339
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:50,961
So wait.
340
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,084
How did you all survive the radiation
leak that wiped out all the crew?
341
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,443
There hasn't been
a radiation leak, Arnold.
342
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,641
Are you sure?
343
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,531
Sorry to break off, Arnold,
I've got to make an announcement.
344
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:03,601
(BUZZING)
345
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,440
Radiation leak alert!
346
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,370
(SIREN WAILING)
347
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,725
Radiation leak alert!
348
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,409
All crew should run around screaming.
349
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,205
Oh, my God! It's happening now!
350
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,330
According to this wall console,
351
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,643
a cadmium two radiation leak,
352
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:25,730
and it's sweeping it's way
through the ship.
353
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,244
We've lost the entire port side.
354
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,721
Not just the port, the sherry,
the brandy,
355
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,524
we've lost the entire bar deck.
356
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,360
(BEEPING) Damn this needs
more recharge time.
357
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,209
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
358
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,129
- Captain?
- Oh, Rimmer.
359
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,125
Man this is embarrassing.
360
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,281
What are you doing?
361
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,489
I was trying to go down with the Dwarf
do the right thing,
362
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,087
when suddenly,
I tripped into this escape pod.
363
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,886
Thought I was pressing the "get me out
of this damned thing
364
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,883
"I want to die nobly
with my crew" button,
365
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,845
only it turned out to be
the "get me home fast" switch.
366
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,369
Now, it's launching.
367
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,327
Just press that emergency open switch,
take me with you.
368
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,887
I'd like to invite you along Rimmer,
but as you can see,
369
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,566
it's only a four seater,
so there's only room for me.
370
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,083
But, sir, I thought all good captains
went down with their ships.
371
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,046
They do. Laters.
372
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,605
(BUZZING AND THUDDING)
373
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,321
(BEEPING)
374
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,168
(BEEPING)
Oh, nuts.
375
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:36,841
(BUZZING)
376
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,609
(SIGHING) What reality's this?
377
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,001
(BEEPING)
378
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,241
Hello?
379
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:46,841
Hello?
380
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:49,281
Oh, it's you.
381
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,121
Ah sir, there you are,
we're about to eat.
382
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,207
Kryten, where is this? Where am I?
Where's Lister?
383
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,525
Are you feeling quite all right, sir?
384
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,287
I've just Quantum skipped
from another reality,
385
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,488
I'm looking for something better
than the one I came from.
386
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,206
What's Lister like here?
387
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,763
Well, he's a lovely, kind, hard-working,
wonderful man,
388
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:10,725
an absolute delight to be with.
389
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,650
Evening, chaps.
390
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,605
We have a new Mr. Rimmer, sir,
391
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,287
he's Quantum skipped into our universe.
392
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,888
That's a shame,
I rather liked the old Rimmer.
393
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,927
Is there something wrong with you?
You don't like me.
394
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,123
Of course, I like you,
we're space chums.
395
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:31,325
Are you different from my Lister?
396
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,248
A guy who cleans his teeth
and pees in the toilet simultaneously
397
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,687
even though the basin and the toilet
are in different rooms?
398
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,089
That's disgusting, I'd never do that.
399
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,408
Oh by the way, Kryten, later on,
I need your help.
400
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,563
I want to re-label my collection
of vintage wires.
401
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,168
(EXCITEDLY) You've got a collection
of vintage wires?
402
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:55,446
Actually, I'm quite excited because
I've just added a digital coaxial audio
403
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,770
and a 25-pin parallel port printer
404
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,691
to my not inconsiderable collection.
405
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,403
I'm really loving what I see here.
406
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:06,841
Mr. Rimmer, sir,
407
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,607
will you be joining myself,
Mr. Lister and Mr. Rat for dinner?
408
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:11,961
Of course I...
409
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:14,601
Mr. who?
410
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,642
(GONG SOUNDING)
411
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:31,647
Yo. Krytie!
412
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,281
Where's my dinner at?
413
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,008
What on earth is that?
414
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,561
Where's Cat?
415
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:40,961
Who's Cat?
416
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:45,561
You...
417
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,090
You got put into stasis
418
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,242
because, you smuggled your pet cat
on board.
419
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,968
No, I got put into stasis
420
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,805
'cause I smuggled my pet Rat on board
421
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,409
and then they all evolved
into these chaps.
422
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:00,601
Yeah!
423
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,922
But then, they left
to find the promised land
424
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,008
and had some
insane religious war, right?
425
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,564
No, they stayed here actually.
Been there, whacked down on G deck.
426
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,529
Yeah! And A deck.
427
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,321
And B Deck.
428
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:14,521
And C Deck.
429
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,530
Yeah. In fact, any damn deck we want.
430
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,328
Sometimes, they even sleep with me.
431
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:22,607
RAT: Mmmm!
432
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:26,881
Yeah.
433
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,242
He's so warm and snuggly!
434
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,842
Would you like some cheese sauce
on your cheese, sir?
435
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,561
Hell, yeah!
436
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,245
Well, thanks for the invite,
but I think I'll skip dinner.
437
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,321
(CLEARS THROAT)
438
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,249
This has got to be better
than Rat World,
439
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,441
(BUZZES)
440
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,568
(MUSIC PLAYING)
441
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,321
ALL LISTERS: Hey Rimmer!
442
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:05,801
Uh, no.
443
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,321
Where am I?
444
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,281
What reality is this?
445
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,127
Kryten, why can't I move?
446
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,641
Kryten!
447
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:18,761
(CLEANS SQUEAKILY)
448
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:19,961
Morning, sir.
449
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,961
(BEEPS)
450
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,929
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
451
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:33,050
(CHANTING) Om!
452
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,161
No.
453
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:42,969
(GROWLING)
No.
454
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:45,851
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
RIMMER: No.
455
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,525
(ROARING)
RIMMER: No.
456
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:48,681
(SCREECHING)
RIMMER: No.
457
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,323
I'm human here.
At least, that's something.
458
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,368
(IN DISTINCT CHATTER)
459
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,571
Sir. Officer Rimmer, sir.
460
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:02,441
I'm an Officer?
461
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,201
I'm an Officer?
462
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,521
(BEEPS) Here I am.
463
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,368
"Rimmer. Navigation officer." Yes!
464
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,484
"Married." Yes!
465
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,162
"Children four." Are they boys?
466
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:16,681
Yes!
467
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,604
I've got everything I ever wanted here.
468
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,081
Uh, sorry sir, I forgot to mention,
469
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,009
the Captain wants to see you
in his office.
470
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,446
I'm passing by your quarters,
471
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,727
so, I'll let Mrs. Rimmer know
you'll be a couple of minutes late.
472
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,567
- Thank you, Parkinson.
- My pleasure, sir.
473
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,088
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
474
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,010
Rimmer, sir. You wanted to see me.
475
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,408
I run a fairly tight ship here Rimmer.
476
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,361
It's one of the reasons
I'm so universally respected.
477
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:00,441
Fancy a cold one?
478
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:06,251
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
479
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,127
Okay, a shot it is. What's your poison?
480
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,001
Lister, it's lunch time.
481
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,487
I mean, sir,
482
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,649
it's lunch time, aren't you on duty?
483
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:15,921
I'm always on duty, Rimmer.
484
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,128
When you're the Captain,
there's no down time.
485
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,449
- Cigar?
- No, thank you...
486
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:21,881
...sir.
487
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:22,961
Burger?
488
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,209
Nothing, sir.
489
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:27,361
I tell ya,
490
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,807
having one of these stasis booths
installed in my office
491
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,009
so day and night I've got
a constant supply of hot tasty snacks
492
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,924
frozen in time
was the best decision I ever made.
493
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:38,125
Perhaps, I should explain, sir.
494
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,646
I'm not your Rimmer.
495
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,322
I Quantum skipped from another universe.
496
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:43,851
Is that slang for getting slaughtered?
497
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,329
Are you familiar with the multiverse?
498
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:48,846
That strip club on Venus?
499
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,769
Okay, I went there once,
is that a crime?
500
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:53,841
All right, maybe twice.
501
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,123
Okay, I'm a lifetime member
502
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,885
but what happens on Venus,
stays on Venus.
503
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:04,480
My God,
how did you ever get to be Captain?
504
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,604
I spotted a faulty drive plate,
505
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,565
without me, this whole damn crew
would have been wiped out.
506
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,571
After that, it was up, up the ziggurat.
Lickety split.
507
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,001
Come on.
508
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:16,526
I'll show you to your quarters.
509
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,687
Here we go Rimmer.
510
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:26,366
The old bunk room.
511
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,121
Hasn't been used in years.
512
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,968
We're really home. And I'm alive,
not a hologram,
513
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,565
but an officer and a gentleman.
514
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,849
Looking forward
to getting home meself, actually.
515
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,322
- Seeing Krissie.
- Kochanski?
516
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,891
No, it's short for Crystal.
517
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:45,731
Met her at the Multi-verse.
518
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:48,600
She danced on table nine.
519
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,249
So, you're happily married
to a stripper, big deal.
520
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,524
And you're the Captain of a beaten up,
old mining ship,
521
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,331
doing jags up and down the Milky Way
every six months.
522
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:00,925
Why should I be jealous?
523
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,843
'Cause, when I fixed the drive plate,
524
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,568
they offered me some cash
to keep me schtum...
525
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:06,881
So you got a pay off?
526
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,248
No, I refused the settlement
527
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,647
and opted for shares. They said yes.
528
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:15,880
They had no idea we're gonna stumble
across a planet rich in Helium 7.
529
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,441
Made a fortune.
530
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,086
I can't live here.
531
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,406
- On Earth?
- In this Universe.
532
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,444
I can't live in a reality
where you're more successful than me.
533
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,121
You're home, on Earth. You're alive.
534
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:33,931
You've got everything you ever wanted.
535
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,041
It's not worth it.
536
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,081
The pain of it would be...
537
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:40,681
...too much.
538
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,201
(BEEPS)
539
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,965
Oh, come on. One more hand I want to win
match sticks back.
540
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,763
Oh, sir, you're back. (CHUCKLES)
541
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,650
Did you find a universe
where you felt less of a loser?
542
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,401
Deal him in.
543
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,411
Infinite clearly wasn't enough.